


Petals and Penance

by Aryagraceling



Series: Prompts, Drabbles, and Shorts [14]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Bath Sex, Bondage, Canon Compliant, Cropping, D/s relationship, Dom Erwin, Established Relationship, Friends With Benefits To Lovers, Hanahaki Disease, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Punishment, Secrets, Spanking, Sub Levi, Voice Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-06-29 12:21:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15729306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryagraceling/pseuds/Aryagraceling
Summary: Levi remembers everything about Erwin except one thing--when he fell in love with him.Now with petals tumbling from his lips, he can think of only one thing he needs.Punishment.





	Petals and Penance

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hakubo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hakubo/gifts).



> Hakubo, I was so excited for these prompts. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing!

_ Yellow. Of course it is.  _ I snort derisively as I stare down at my pillow. Yellow as the sun streaming over the plains outside the walls. Yellow as the dandelions creeping through the stone streets. Yellow as his hair.

_ Erwin. _

__ I remember everything about us. The first time our eyes met. When I was told the path my life would take. Plotting against him. Failing. Growing with him. When he gathered us and told us of the disease that grows in your lungs should you be unlucky enough to have an unrequited love. We all laughed, because we’re Scouts. We don’t love. It’s too dangerous.

I remember the first time he came to me seeking release, how he bared himself to me before taking what he needed. I remember the first time I came for him, the way his eyes gleamed at my breathless sigh echoing from the walls. I remember each negotiation, each mark he’s left on me until I’m so uselessly sobbing with need. All the shit we’ve gone through together. All the titans we’ve slaughtered, each drop of blood we’ve watched water the ground. I remember. The bonds we’ve forged, the comrades we’ve lost, the horrors we’ve witnessed--I remember. 

But as I reel at the sight of a yellow tulip petal gracing my bed, I cannot remember the moment I fell in love with Erwin Smith. “Can’t be,” I say. “It’s not happening. There’s no fucking way.” I don’t love him that way.  _ Can’t.  _ My fingers twitch toward the bright stain before I take a step back. 

My respiratory system hasn’t been up to par recently, but I swear it’s been allergies. Pollen clouding my lungs and dragging me down. It’s fine. 

__ _ Was,  _ until last night when I’d started coughing and couldn’t fucking stop. I’d been up until near dawn, clawing at my throat because it  _ hurt.  _ After Erwin finished with me and made sure I was settled, it wasn’t the ache in my ass or the blood thundering in my veins that kept me awake. It wasn’t the frustration of not being able to hold-- _ love,  _ I so uselessly remind myself--him. It was rough hacking suited for a hospital bed and not the room we’ve shared so many secrets.

Except it  _ does  _ belong here.

Poetic fucking justice.

Choking to death in the room that’s shown me how to feel alive again. 

The towel he so carelessly threw on the floor calls to me, and I pick it up with disgust written plain on my face. The petal flutters into the trash as I swipe it aside before tossing the towel into the laundry basket. Erwin was rough last night, needing to take back the reins after the attack on Trost. I’d given him everything because whatever Erwin needs, I will provide.

Even if it fucking kills me.

“Stupid,” I mutter. “All the things that  _ could  _ kill me, and this has to fucking be it.” Erwin doesn’t love me. He can’t. He can’t afford to love when everyone dies eventually. Can’t afford the distraction if someone he adores is ripped from him. That’s why he uses me--to satisfy his needs. 

That’s what I remind myself.

I dress, careful to tie my scarf over the marks he’s left on my neck before walking to breakfast. Hange’s gesturing animatedly at Miche, babbling about the two titans we captured for her. “Mm, Levi,” she says, beckoning me over. “Did you hear we have a chance at that kid, too?” Her eyes shine, and I manage a wan smile.

“Good,” I say. Eren Jaeger could be the best asset we have, should we acquire him. “We need someone who could turn the tide, though be prepared for a fight. They won’t let him go easily.” I brush her out of the way to reach for the coffee pot, pouring a cup hotter than a titan’s corpse. It sears down my throat, and I think maybe if I’m lucky it’ll burn everything away. The feelings, the flowers--fuck, maybe even the memories. My fingers grip tighter and I glare over the rim at the floor before sighing in defeat. Of course it won’t. “Where would we keep him, though?”

I’m so lost in myself I don’t hear him come up behind me. He clamps a hand down on my shoulder and I nearly choke on coffee this time, not petals. “Spilling secrets?” Erwin asks. I step out from under his hand and turn my back to the counter, avoiding his eye.

“No, just having a friendly chat with the boys!” Hange beams and tosses an arm around both me and Miche, dragging my hips along the hard stone. “Teamwork and all that.”

I hiss as the coffee sloshes over the rim and onto my hand. “Careful,” I say, setting the cup down before wiping it off. When I look up, Erwin’s staring in concern.

“Feeling okay? You look a little peaked,” he says. 

“Fine.” It’s a damn good thing I’m not talkative on the best of days, because the muttered word only earns a small frown. “Trial’s soon, I assume?” I ask.

“Two days from now,” Erwin says. “We’re playing the waiting game. He has yet to wake up.” He accepts the coffee Miche poured for him and sips slowly, sparing the occasional glance at me as we all discuss strategy. “We need to get down there and talk to him,” he finally decides. “You’ll come with, Levi?”

“Of course.”  _ Always.  _ My throat burns and this time it isn’t coffee, but bile. I bid a quick goodbye before rushing to the bathroom. Saliva drips from my lips as I cough, stomach heaving with absolutely nothing coming up.  _ “Damn  _ it,” I growl, wiping the back of my hand over my mouth. “I can’t fucking afford this sh--” The next round catches me off guard and I fall forward to brace myself on the wall as three sopping petals slide out to send ripples across the water.

_ Horrifying. _

__ I can face down a titan without fear, but put the color of fucking clarity in front of me and I turn into a snot-nosed little bitch. Yellow to shine through the darkness and nothing stands out more than the fact that our relationship is eating me from the inside out. I smooth my contorted face as I flush and wash my hands, walking straight out the door into Erwin’s chest. 

“Tell me what’s wrong.” His gaze is heavy and I suck in a breath as he pushes me one step back into the wall. “Is this about last night?”

_ It’s about the fact you’re too goddamned good at binding me in your web,  _ I want to say. I shrug off his hand and again step to his side, shaking my head. “Last night was fine,” I say. “Now I’d thank you to get out of my way, Commander.”

His eyes narrow as he blocks me. “Watch yourself,” is his warning as he turns to walk away.

I grunt softly in frustration.  _ Why not just say it?  _ “Erwin, I--” I reach to him, but when he looks back I retract the hand.  _ I can’t.  _ “What time did you want to meet Eren?”

“Noon,” he says curtly. “Anything else?”

“Nothing,” I lie. “I’ll meet you at the dungeons.” I tamp down a cough as he disappears, the cruel fingers of despair twisting low in my gut. I’m humanity’s strongest and I can’t even get through the fact that I love someone without getting sick about it. Nanaba cringes as I pass her, tells me she can’t catch what I have. I laugh dryly at the thought before retreating to my room and just staring at the ceiling, wishing away the sweet smell of spring.

**

Several days later finds me mercilessly beating Eren Jaeger in the middle of the courtroom. “It was for your own good,” I tell him later when we’re gathered around him. “They needed to see you’re not a threat.” The look he gives me is one of uncomfortable frustration but acceptance, and I smirk as Hange bursts in to fawn over him. Several others come and go, but Erwin stays perched against the wall, staring steadily at me. 

When we break, I go once more to my room and with careful movements, cough half a bouquet’s worth of petals. The disease is spreading rapidly, and I’m fucking scared. It feels like my ribs are cracking and I spit one last time before taking out one of Erwin’s favorite books, hoping to hasten whatever may be coming.

**

When we get to the old base, the petals don’t seem so bad in light of the  _ mess  _ that awaits us. I’m almost thankful for the suffocating scent of flowers as we sweep, dust, and scrub. I work right alongside them, past the time when everyone’s gone to bed. It’s finally a good excuse to work out the anger and melancholy into the floor instead of letting it fester in me, and I don’t care that Erwin looks at me strangely when he finds me at two in the morning.

Near the time cleaning’s almost finished, several weeks after we arrived, breathing has become incredibly difficult, as has eating. I know I’m losing weight, and I know he notices. He doesn't fuck me as hard, doesn’t leave as many marks in favor of lovingly drawing out the session, and I hate him for it. 

Now that there are no pressing Capitol meetings to distract Erwin, I think maybe,  _ maybe  _ now is the time I could tell him how I feel. I think it every day, and every day I decide against it. I’ve grown adept at hiding the coughing and the pain. No matter how hard he searches, he can’t find find the evidence. Just  _ knows  _ there’s something wrong.

One night I muster up the courage and for the first time since we started sleeping together, I go to him. My hand thuds on the heavy oak door and Erwin opens it with surprised eyes. “Something the matter?”

_ I need just one more night.  _ I walk in and lean against the desk, closing my eyes and dipping my head as I cross my arms. “I need you to punish me,” I say softly. “Wreck me, Erwin. I’ve been keeping a secret and no, before you ask--” I hold up a finger to silence the question on his lips-- “I can’t talk about it.” My breath is thick in my throat as I clear it, nearly gagging on the petals slipping down to my stomach. “I’d like fifty lashes. My safe words are ‘red’ or ‘titan’ and my nonverbal is a snap.” I demonstrate and he walks over to put those hands that have torn me apart on my shoulders. “Please, sir,” I whisper. “I need this.”  _ Need you to take it all away. _

__ Erwin is silent as he slides his hands down my arms and guides me toward the bed. “Undress, boy,” he orders. With dead limbs I strip, standing toward him with eyes shut and shoulders slumped. I hear his storage trunk open and the whisper of the bindings makes me shiver. “Arms behind your back,” he says. “You’ll be blindfolded and bent over on your knees. I’ll start with my hand, then move to the crop.”

I nod and turn to face the mattress, lacing my fingers together behind me. “If I could request something, sir?”

“Go ahead.” His fingers are cool as they begin to tie, and I swallow another few petals at the feeling it causes.

“I’d like you to speak to me. I need to hear your voice.”  _ Need you to twist that knife deeper.  _ “Please, Er--sir,” I correct when he twists my arm. “Please.” It’s not the usual begging I fall into when we play. It’s pure desperation. I hear it, and I know Erwin hears it too when his hands pause and he hums questioningly. I clamp my teeth around more goddamned petals and shake my head. “I  _ can’t say,  _ sir.”

He sighs and continues tying as he begins. “Once, I came across a man. He had a fire in his eyes that rivaled our torches, and the personality to match. Levi Ackerman. He’s proceeded to become precious--” He tugs on the restraints and lets my arms fall as he positions me on the bed. “He’s become precious to me.” My cock twitches up against my stomach as he runs light fingers down my back. “He’s hiding things though, and needs to be punished.” A light tap on my ass makes me jump as he walks away to retrieve the blind and crop. “I don’t like it when he keeps secrets. It makes me angry.”

My eyes slide shut as I lean back to allow room for the blindfold. “I’m sorry, sir. I’m so sorry.”  _ For more than you’ll ever know. Humanity’s strongest, brought to his fucking knees.  _ I clear my throat, and Erwin does the same behind me. “Please forgive me.”

“If you take it like a good boy,” Erwin purrs. “I  _ know  _ you can.” I squeak as his palm unexpectedly lands on my ass. “That’s one, boy. Count for me.”

“One,” I say. “Two,” as a second blow stings the other side.

To my pain and pleasure, Erwin continues to speak about how we’ve grown over the years. With each word another crack splits my chest, and with each hit warmth spreads through my legs. Erwin’s voice hits a soothing rhythm in time with the slaps and I almost stop counting to focus on breathing through the flowers. “Five more before I switch to the crop,” Erwin says when I reach twenty.

“Yes, sir.” I cough and feel a few more petals hit the back of my teeth.  _ I can fucking take it.  _ “Green,” I say when Erwin pauses. “Green, sir, please.” 

Another slap, harder than the rest, and tears begin to wet the blindfold. It’s not unusual for me when I let go, but this time there’s rage and sorrow to spare behind each drop. As another cough splits from me I surrender completely. It’s what I need and the ultimate sign of submission to the man who’s fucking slaying me. “Twenty one,” I grind out. “Twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five.” My breath hitches and I almost choke as Erwin’s lips fall to press against my throbbing skin while he reaches for the crop. “Please,” I whimper. “Green.” 

Everything burns when the crop hits--my ass, my chest, my throat, my eyes. More petals come up with each count and by the time I reach thirty-seven I can’t hold back anymore. I convulse to the sound of Erwin’s voice asking what’s wrong and spill everything onto the bed, hacking. 

Erwin immediately drops everything and pushes me onto my side, ripping off the blind and starting to untie the knots. “Levi, what the hell? Get--” he didn’t bother with the rest, instead grabbing his knife to slice through the bonds. I brace myself with both hands and  _ retch.  _ “Get it out Levi, come on, breathe.”

I gasp as the flow begins to ebb, sobbing without a single shred of pride left. My lungs scream and I wish Erwin would just rip me open, leave me alone in my grief. “Stop,” I groan when he rubs between my shoulders. Another round of petals hits the bed and I stare in shock at the red streaks.  _ Blood. How fucking fitting.  _ “Just go. There’s a surgery, I heard. I’ll get it.”

“You won’t ma--ake--” Erwin coughs and I look up to see him covering his mouth. “Make it. Not coughing up blood. God, why didn’t you say something? We won’t last long if you go, Levi.” He swallows hard and I swear I see him choke.  _ “I  _ won’t last long without you. 

I spit crimson and shake my head. “I’m just another man. You don’t mean that. You need my body more than you need  _ me.”  _

“Cut the shit,” he says, curling over me. “Of course I need you. You’re my captain and companion. My  _ partner.”  _ He grinds the heel of his hand into his eyes and winces. “God, and now you’re bleeding for someone else.”

“You fucking moron.” I feel the tears drying as I scoop a handful of petals and hold them under his nose.  _ “You’re  _ killing me, Erwin, look. Yellow irises. Hopeless, bloodstained love.”

“You’re killing me right back.” He doesn’t bother holding back his next cough and I watch, speechless, as several white rose petals stumble to the blanket. “I was so busy with everything and everyone else I didn’t stop to think about shit and before I knew it, there was this itch in my throat.”

“Erwin--” Words escape me along with another chest-rattling cough. “Why-- _ why?  _ Why the fuck wouldn’t you say something, you bastard?”

“You’re so shut off,” he whispers, running a hand over my bony back. “And you know what people say about me. Sure, they’d die for me, but no one wants to risk  _ being  _ with me. Getting attached.”

My ass burns as I crawl into his lap to fist a hand in his shirt. “I did,” I admit. “I  _ do.”  _ Erwin’s hand shakes as it moves to cradle my face. “I’d rather die  _ for  _ you than because of you.”

“You don’t.”

I scoff and pull myself closer. “Don’t tell me what I do and don’t want,” I pant. “I want you.” My voice sounds as pathetic as I feel and I bite back another sob as Erwin’s arms surround me. “Let me out of this hell. Fuck our rules, Erwin, just--” I press my forehead to his chest-- “just be with me.”

Erwin tightens his grip and winds a hand into my hair, pressing his cheek to the top of my head. “Is that what you really want?” I nod against him and his the force of his exhale could topple mountains. “Yes, Levi,  _ yes.”  _ He bends down to frantically seek my lips and I press up just as eagerly.

All this time, and it’s the first time we’ve kissed.

With Erwin’s lips on mine, I can feel the pressure in my lungs slipping away. Everything disappears, leaving only he and I to tangle in the moonlight creeping through the window. It’s a kiss of life and desperation but most of all  _ hope.  _ It’s the disease evaporating as electricity shoots down my spine, the warmth of unity I’ve spent years running from. It’s everything, and it’s ours.

His whine is muffled against my lips and he presses closer as my legs fall around his hips. “Beautiful,” he mumbles. “Gorgeous, Levi, you’re--”

“Yours, fucking  _ yours,  _ Erwin,” I finish. I break away to lean our foreheads together, brow knit. “Gods, I love you.” I crash into him again, heedless of the fact my cock is making a mess on his shirt because for once in my life,  _ mess doesn’t matter.  _ “Love you.” I kiss along Erwin’s jaw and over the tanned skin of his throat to nip his Adam’s apple. I don’t stop saying it until Erwin scoops me up and carries me to his bathroom. 

“I need you,” he says. “Can we? Just you and I. No games. I want you.”

I nod into his neck as he sits me on the side of the bath before beginning to fill the tub. “You have me,” I say softly. “But what’s this?” I let out a residual cough, drying and dead petals falling from my lips. “I can take you.” Even as the words leave me, I wince as his finger drags over my abused skin. 

“I had a better idea,” Erwin says. He kisses me before stripping and settling me in front of him in the water. “I’ve made you hurt for so long, Levi. Let me make you feel good tonight.” His fingers drag over my cock, slowly teasing it back to hardness and I sigh breathlessly when he nuzzles into my neck. 

“Okay,” I manage. His free hand runs up my stomach to pluck at a nipple. “Yeah, I’d like that.” I can feel him against my back, and reach back to grasp him. “You too.”

“Later,” he murmurs against my throat. “Tonight’s yours, lover.” 

I shudder at the way his pitch drops on the last word, making it seem impossibly dirty as he begins to stroke me in the water. “Erwin…” I tense slightly as he pinches the nipple again. “Don’t ever fucking stop.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He twists his thumb over my head at the same time he sucks a dark mark into the back of my shoulder. “Won’t stop touching, fucking,  _ loving  _ you until the end of days, Levi.” He tilts my head toward his to capture my lips in a heated kiss while he continues to work me. “I want to watch you come for me,” he says. “Want to see you as you spill over my hand and hear the way you moan my name when I--” The tip of his tongue traces my lips as he rubs that sweet spot below my head and I  _ keen.  _ “Yeah, like that.”

“More,” I say, gripping his arm. “Tell me more. Still need to hear you.” 

“I love the way you jump in my hand when I play with your chest.” Erwin drops his hand again and I moan into his neck. “You love that,” he says. “Love the feeling of my hands on you, making you feel so fucking good.”

Erwin is sin in an angel’s body, and I want to worship at his altar until the titans get me. “I do,” I say, arching into the touch. My fingers clench as heat curls in my stomach and I begin to pant, near the point of begging. “Erwin, please.” 

“What do you want?” Erwin asks. “To come?” I nod helplessly, not trusting my voice, and he smiles against my face. “Then come, love.” His hand remains steady as he strokes me, attacking my neck and leaving mark after mark as my heart races. “I know you can,” he murmurs. “Come for me.”

Several seconds more and I do, crying out as I spend myself into his grip. “Gods, Erwin, fuck,” I say, eyes screwing shut as he pushes me through it. “I love you, I do. I fucking d--ooh, stop.” I brush the hand away, overstimulation settling in and making the slide  _ just  _ on the side of unbearable. “Mess, we should get out.” 

Erwin kisses me softly to distract me as he stands to retrieve a towel. He’s always caring after sex, and tonight’s no exception. Water drips on the floor as I step into his arms. “You,” he says softly, wrapping the fabric around me.

“Yes?” I slide my fingers down Erwin’s back, memorizing each scar and muscle. As per our previous rules, kissing and touching for the sake of touching was forbidden, but fuck if I wasn’t going to take advantage of it now. “So good,” I whisper. “You’re fucking perfect, you bastard.”

“Hey.” His eyes meet mine and he smiles. “You are too.” He spans the gap to move our lips languidly together. “Humanity’s greatest hope,” he says, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “He’s all mine, and I’m never letting him go.” 

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you think? Feedback is _always_ appreciated and encouraged, be it via kudos/comments/bookmarks or through any of my social media below.
> 
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